The Geek's GirlThe Geek's Girl
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The Geek's Girl is back, after a brief haitus!
I offer no other excuse for it than this:
Boba Fett (a.k.a. my husband) sent me on a harrowing intergalactic journey to the grocery store. Believe me, it took a long while to find the Holy Dish Scrubber of Mount Dingleberry--once thought to be purely a myth--to magically wipe away the horrid mess of dirty dishes that plagued my kitchen.
Yes, the Geek's Girl is back--and more unabashed, snarky and blunt than ever, folks. If you seek geek love or dating advice, send your questions my way geekgirl@itsgeektime.com!
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As the wife of a geek, I'm subjected to a steady stream of straight-to-DVD movies. After several years and hundreds of coveted dinner hours, my initial non-geek skepticism about niche movies has been tempered. To be fair, many of them are small, independent films that do well by me, earning non-geek respect points for effort and originality.
But some of them are indeed so monstrously horrible that I have to put my foot down. In this case, my tarsal bones (and my remote thumb) came crashing down on 30 Days of Night: Dark Days.
This film (if we must call it that) is a low-budget sequel to 30 Days of Night, which enjoyed mildly successful box office returns in 2007. The original film was based on a comic book miniseries of the same name, penned by Steve Niles and illustrated by Ben Templesmith. Niles adapted the special-effects heavy original about blood-sucking vampires taking over a small town in Alaska, and director David Slade made it a really good film.
30 Days of Night eschewed an exploitation of the wildly popular vampire meme, portraying them as soulless monsters rather than emotional objects of sexual desire. The film also did not rely on gratuitous sex, violence and gore to earn its keep. It was a simple premise, simply executed, and the acting was terrific. Me = sold!
But then a fanboy (Ben Ketai) got the backing to make the sequel, Dark Days, based on the next plotline in the comic series. Ketai's previous credits include several short films and two television series adaptations of the 30 Days of Night franchise that have fallen way below the radar. Niles again adapted the screenplay, but this time, something went horribly, horribly wrong with the execution.
First mistake: hiring a crappy actress whose only virtue is looking good in underwear to replace Melissa George as the tough and brave main character, Stella Oleson (or Olemaun in the comic). There are some crappy actresses who look good in bikinis I'm willing to abide. Ohhh, but not Kiele Sanchez. She's the terrible actress you bring in when you want your audience to start hating you. As an example, she played Nikki, on LOST. Fans hated her so much, the writers had to kill her off by burying her alive.
Second mistake: inserting a sex scene just because. Don't get me wrong, I'm usually tolerant of sex scenes, particularly if they further the plot of a film in a meaningful way. In this case, the placement of the sex scene made me feel like the filmmakers were like, "hey, let's insert a random sex scene here because the plot kind of sucks during this part."
Third mistake: humanizing the vampires. It ruins everything! The allure of the first movie was that the main characters were battling soulless monsters that could not see reason, not rational evil masterminds. There was a mystical and unpredictable quality about them in the first film that made them worthy opponents. In Dark Days, they're pure caricatures, seemingly designed to cash in on that sexy vampire meme.
I'm going to give full disclosure here: I turned this film off about three-quarters of the way through, and still refuse to watch the end. I've also never read the comic, so I can't speak to how well Dark Days was adapted. But according to my husband, who has both read the comic and seen the end of this pathetic film, my half-hour would be better spent plucking my arm hairs out one by one.
If you are an aspiring geek by association, a geek in need of love or dating advice, or just interested in schooling me on proper usage of geek jargon, feel free to email me geekgirl@itsgeektime.com and I will get back to you right here on www.itsgeektime.com!
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Dear Geek's Girl,
I am a girl in my late twenties and I am just starting to get into geek culture... I am still a little wary with some of the movies and games. What are some of your favorite movies or comic books that I can start off with?
--GeekCurious
Finally! An easy question to answer! Easy because I've struggled with the same question myself in the past.
GC, I should first commend you on your decision. The first step--going geek--is always the hardest. I can understand where your wariness comes from. If your previous idea of exposing yourself to pop culture involved watching episodes of "The Jersey Shore," jumping headfirst into geek pop culture may seem a little overwhelming and hard to process. But I can assure you, once you've eased into some of the creativity in the geek world, you will have nothing to fear. (Except for Cthulhu. Fear him. And then cuddle him.)
I'll cut to the chase. First thing I want you to do is go to your Netflix queue and add the following:
Batman Begins
Geeks and non-geeks alike go ga-ga over this film. While it is a "superhero" flick (although Batman has no superpowers, he was known to run in leagues with those who did, namely Superman), it won't slap you in the face with the genre. Unlike Adam Wests' cheesy 60s TV series and Tim Burton's late-80s caricature, Batman Begins is more of an entertaining action/drama with realistic, modern sensibilities. In other words, it's a comfortable way to familiarize yourself with contemporary superhero movies.
Avatar: The Last Airbender
Books 1, 2 and 3
This is a Nickelodeon television series made loosely in the style of Japanese animation. It's the perfect introduction to the world of anime, but even more so, it's a wonderfully written story with striking imagery and compelling narrative. It's hard to explain what the show is about, but basically it's the story of a couple of kids trying to save the world. Except it's a "war-torn world of elemental magic"...intrigued?
Tron
Although this film was made in 1982 (before you were born, most likely), it still holds up today. And lucky for us all, Disney's flashy sequel (http://disney.go.com/tron/) is due out in the near future. The original stars Jeff Bridges and some other actors you'll recognize from the 80s. It's a great lesson in the evolution of computer-generated effects in film, and 100% pure fun.
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After you've finished updating your Netflix queue, I want you to run out to the nearest comic book shop. Spend a few un-rushed minutes walking around, absorbing the atmosphere, exploring and observing. Then, find the following graphic novel series:
Y: The Last Man
This is probably the most compelling story I've ever read. Imagine that one day, every living thing that has a Y chromosome suddenly drops dead. Everything, except for one man, and his pet monkey. This series of comic books follows the travels of this man, Yorick, and his monkey, Ampersand, across s a planet full of confused, angry, terrified women. Although the premise is far-fetched, it manages to provide a fairly realistic idea of what would occur if this actually happened!
Fables
In this comic book series, your favorite fairy tale characters hole up in an underground NYC society after being kicked out of their fabled homelands. A blend of gritty modern drama and old-school fantasy makes this series both fascinating and unique.
Scott Pilgrim
I'm sure you've either already seen or at least heard of the new movie "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World." Well, believe it or not, it was based on a successful comic book series that came first! It's the story of Scott Pilgrim, the ultimate hipster hero. It's kind of a wild and crazy ride from start to finish that spices up average 20-something life with the vintage video game memes from their childhood, and modern superhero hype. It's hilarious, even if you don't understand all the references. I'd also recommend seeing the film, if you haven't yet.
Go on, give geek a try!
If you are an aspiring geek by association, a geek in need of love or dating advice, or just interested in schooling me on proper usage of geek jargon, feel free to email me This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it and I will get back to you right here on www.itsgeektime.com!
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Dear Geek's Girl, I work in a fairly large office doing IT work. I make a point of always helping a specific customer. She is WAY out of my league but we always have really great conversation when we talk and I always leave her desk with a smile. How do I bridge the gap between our professional relationship and ask her out?
-5wanting10
Asking out a coworker (or more generally, someone with whom you have professional dealings) is always a controversial topic with universal implications for geeks and non-geeks alike.
Before I step up to my soapbox o' love to beat you over the head with dating advice, I'll caution you to first consider the consequences of dating a coworker. How is your office? A harmonious bunch of team players? A bitchy bunch of busybodies with entitlement complexes? I suspect your office is somewhere in the middle of that spectrum, and if you do end up dating this girl, it will most certainly affect your office environment, for better or for worse. Do not proceed unless you've assessed the situation and found it accommodating to your comfort level.
Okay, now on to beating you over the head. You need to ask yourself a question. Why is it that you think she's "way out of your league?" Because she's pretty? Popular? Dresses well? What puts you in different leagues? You're not popular? You have a cowlick? You killed a guy?
Once you come up with an answer to the question, put it out of your head. It's crap, whatever it is. You cannot make any sort of judgment about your compatibility with this girl until you've actually given it the old college try. Maybe she's not really a 10? Maybe you're the 10 and she's the 5!
Next time you find yourself chatting with her, once you've taken care of your work obligations, just ask her out! Global Rule #1 of dating is putting yourself out there. If you're in violation of Global Rule 1, Megatron will punch you in the face. And your chances of landing a solid relationship will be significantly lower.
Ask her to lunch, or to mid-day coffee, or to a happy hour at a nearby pub. Lay your cards on the Formica. Be yourself. If she's the right gal for you, she won't balk. And if she does, it might sting, but at least you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you tried. Would you rather regret something you did or something you didn't do? Sure you might regret that drunken decision to get that unfortunate tattoo of a naked Green Goblin, but wouldn't you regret even more not knowing if you'd let "the One" get away because you never tried to ask her out?
Even if it ends in an uncomfortable situation, known that there are many fish in this great big sea. Trite but true. Just watch out for the Sharktopus.
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Every once in a while, my husband, who makes his living as a professional geek, brings home some of the geeky schwag he gets at work.
While some of the stuff is pretty neat—the latest Blu-Ray releases and special edition collectible graphic novels—the majority of it inevitably results in a high volume of action figures and toys cluttering up our small apartment.
While I don't want to rain on his parade (he's always pleased as punch when he walks in the door with them), occasionally I let slip a little frustration. Please see the following photos as an illustration of this:
This is my husband as he came home the other day, toting a 19-inch "Comic Con exclusive" statue of Galactus, the planet-devouring villain of the Marvel Universe. I only know him as that "black cloud thingy" from the Fantastic Four movies, an identifier which makes RM and other superhero comic book fans cringe.
As you can see, he is, in fact, pleased as punch. I was not. What the heck are we going to do with a nearly 2-foot statue of a dude in a skirt?
So I did the only thing I could do.
Really?
Despite my efforts, less than 10 minutes later, Galactus became a permanent resident of the apartment. He's currently tucked away in the closet until we can make room for him.
It goes without saying that my husband was a little stung by my initial dismissal of our new roomie. ("Aww come on, honey, he's the Devourer!") He decided to avenge Galactus the only way he knew how—by using another member of the Marvel Universe: M.O.D.O.K. (Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing).
RM brought this terrifying little piece of plastic home a few years back. It was about as unwelcome as an outbreak of herpes. It's a scary looking little shit and I declared it banned, though it always turns up, grinning like a jackass, ready to make me jump out of my skin. Yes, it was the perfect revenge...
That's me, sleeping peacefully. And there's M.O.D.O.K, waiting patiently for me to wake up.
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Ahh yes, the geek's revenge is swift and indelible.
M.O.D.O.K. is always watching...
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